Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Gotta write it to get rid of it..............

I don't apologize for anything that I am about to write. I do however realize that you didn't sign on to be my shrink, so if you're not of a mind to read in on my rantings then, I love you, see you next time.

If you've been reading me for some time then you know that I have a background of abuse in my life. My father sexually, emotionally, physically and verbally abused me, all of my life until I was released from that monster the day he died. He molested every female member of my immediate family, also harassed and verbally assaulted the males. He was foul to any and all because he could be. He grabbed, groped and embarrassed legions of women and girls who came into his sphere of influence from the next door neighbor to the poll workers at elections for the 88 years he was alive. He was the best kept family secret in his 18 sibling family, but those of us who lived under his immediate tyranny bristled under his heavy hand and kept it to our selves. He had no shame, it was ours to carry.

He also lied with his every breath and took things that didn't belong to him just for the fun of it. I watched in horror as a child when he lied about stealing something in a store and then laughed about it when we got to the car. To say I had no respect for him would be a gross understatement. He was evil.

My fathers paternal family are descendants of the Spaniards who invaded Mexico and then onward to spread their faith into New Mexico. His forefathers were soldiers in the Spanish army. I do not know their heart motives but I do know the results of their actions in the history of the southwest. Native peoples were killed, run out of their homes, and families were torn apart. Several generations later, the pride of the family in their Spanish conquistador roots is a real puzzlement to me. Because of their roots to Spain, these Hispanics look down on those whose ancestors fought against them and also the ones who reconquered this land.

As a matter of fact, that family looks down on anyone who is not a member of that family, and some of us who are. I heard all the horrendous anti humanist catch phrases that can be used to describe other ethnic peoples and never understood how brown folks could look down on other brown folks, white folks, black folks, yellow folks and red folks. And how they could imagine that they were superior to anyone else.

Speaking of Native Peoples, my fathers mother was part Native, but her children and husband never approved of that alternate fact and so it was to be whispered not shared, because then the outside world would not hold this family in the esteem in which they held themselves.

Now come to today, 10 years and 1.5 months from the date of his death and I feel like he is alive. I see what our Predator in Chief has done, said and how arrogant he is, how horribly he treats people and I feel as if my father is there in front of my eyes. My father would be living high on the hog with this evil as President.

I would have been ashamed to admit how much Trump and his cronies are troubling me when I was young because I would have wanted to appear to be an over comer, a strong woman. Well, I am strong to a point, but when this freak show gets worse every day and so much of what I see and feel is the same things I saw and felt most of my life, it really gets to me.

How much longer can this country take his evil? It's only been 10 days and he is destroying who we are as a nation, what we stand for in the world and how we are perceived as a country.

Many people are saying that they have never experienced anything this befuddling and hurtful in their lives. I am happy for them. This is bring back parts of my life that I thought I had healed and put away. I have been this dizzy and disoriented before, looking for sanctuary somewhere else. I have had this ache in my heart, knowing that it hasn't reached a conclusion.

I am very angry and sad.

I need to be safe again.............we all do.

I can't hide in my room and hope that the evil will not come looking for me and I'm scared.

10 comments:

  1. I feel how you feel, for many similar reasons, this stirs all that up again inside. How could a nation allow this lunatic to reign? His character &. History is well know, he is not a surpris, but people who's job is governing, allowed this insanity". It will be the demise of the Republican Party , & the Democratic Party had better change their loafing around......
    I fight each day not to dwell on this, but I am a protector and I feel danger, its instinct.
    Our young people will do better because of this I am confident, this is what helps me daily!
    The crowds that gather, give me peace and to know I'm not fretting alone! xoDebi🙋❤️🇨🇦

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  2. I share your feelings of uncertainty about the future. We must not be passive, but must resist the destruction of all we hold sacred, not matter how difficult.

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  3. I just posted about this myself. Trump is everything bad you can think of but I have read that Bannon is the one calling the shots. he's the real POTUS.

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  4. What is the most troublesome are those who voted for him that still believe that we are already so much better off, that he will cure everything that ails the country and that it doesn't matter that he is alienating so many of the leaders of other countries, especially those of our allies. The good thing is the groundswell of people that are demanding he be held accountable for all these crazy actions and that question his oh so very questionable decisions. Sooner or later, he will implode.

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  5. I cried when I read this Linda. We are all feeling the fear and shaking our heads, one thing the crowds gathering here in Canada after the event in Quebec shows me that most people are good and kind and loving and will stand together! Love from your Canadian friend!

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  6. He is dead and you are here, loved by your friends. I know that is not always as comforting as we might want it to be, but it's what we have now. And eventually--sooner, if we fight him--the other bastard will be gone too.

    It's all right to be angry, healthy to be sad with so much sorrow in the world... But never forget that you are loved.

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  7. As frightened and appalled as he makes me, I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel coming from your history with your father. My heart hurts for you and us all. Sending some tears and lots of hugs.

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  8. We love you Oma Linda! Never forget that! We are here for you always!! Never forget that!
    I am truly so sorry for everything you have been through!! Sending you Big Warm Hugs!!!
    You come from a great country and there are many great people there! Let's pray it all will work out!!!

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  9. A Virtual Hug... my sentiments about 45 are mirrored in your poignant and transparent Post... Thankfully I had a Wonderful Father and didn't experience any of the tremendous pain and suffering you endured, so I can't possibly imagine how much worse it is to see it mirrored in the the Leader of our Country! Your post choked me up... again, big Virtual Hugs...

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